The Realization

August 27, I check my bank account to see that my direct deposit has gone through. The direct deposit that I have had every two weeks for the last two years. The regular paycheck that I get from my regular job. Its not there. No money has been deposited. Instead, a tightness has been deposited in the pit of my stomach. Panic. Its 3 days before my 27th birthday. I have NO savings. 27 years old with no savings, no safety net and apparently, no job security. Panic. I can ask my parents for help, I know they would be happy to, but again... at 27 years old I should be beyond asking mommy and daddy for help. Panic. I am a grown up. I am fully an adult. Why don't I feel like one in this moment?

So it was a simple mistake, just an error. My paycheck should be coming through within a day or two. Crisis averted, right? Its just that the alarm on that wake up call was just a little too loud. I can't go back to sleep. I need to do something to get my self in a position where I know I have a back up plan. My mind jumps to egg donation. Then my mind is flooded with questions. What do I need to do? What is the procedure like? Is it safe? What are the side effects? Could I actually inject myself with needles? Would I even qualify? Can I deal with a little me running around that I don't even know? Its a simple fear of the unknown. But I made a promise to myself that I would not let fear stop me from doing the things I want to do. I make the decision to commit to it, take it seriously and find out everything I can and follow through.

So that's why I'm here, writing this blog. For better or worse, I'm going to document this process. The emotions, the questions, the procedures (if I make it that far!) are going to be put out on the table.